How fortunate to have such a life that I have the ability to worry for my daughter's health because we have such an abundance of food in our lives. I have achieved the dream, happy, productive adult kids, youngest in a quiet safe suburb, dog, two cats and all of our needs are not just met, but never threatened.
Behind today's gratitude is a feeling of loneliness and fear, decisions that are being constantly made and managed, a cloud of grey that could take over and send me down an easy to take path that leads, one choice at a time, to a less fulfilling, less happy, less healthy, less balanced life. The pressure to keep a kid alive despite their best efforts, while also being determined to end the cycle of trauma and emotionally damaging relationships can feel insurmountable. It is so easy to take a xanax, or rely on my beloved prozac to stay medicated enough to not fall back on old habits for comfort. Drinking too much and eating for leisure and comfort were my ride or die coping mechanisms, and I still love to eat, but ultimately all they have done for me is negatively impact my mind and my body. It took a heinously bad date last fall to realize the drinking has never done anything good for me, or rather it has never helped me make good choices, or truly manage the reason I wanted a drink in the first place. This gratitude today is an intentional step in the direction of true healing. This is the work. I have made my choice, and I choose the hard of working through my issues, and forcing my mind to rewire to a more balanced state. Sometimes I need the little reminders not to make a mountain of a molehill. Sometimes though, the molehill is actually a mountain in disguise and it needs to be climbed. I think the climbing is the work, the real work needed to effect lasting change, weather that is visible to the outside or not.
This life is hard. It is hard for everyone. Let's try to remember the good times and learn from the bad ones. Today, I will remind myself how lucky I am, talk to my 12 year old honestly, with compassion and love. She is going to be fine, and so am I.